Brunch

On a lazy Sunday with nothing to do other than watch football, going out for brunch is a great way to spend your day.  Personally I love going to brunch, it is the best cure for your Saturday night out.  However working brunch is another story.  Practically everyone that goes to brunch is hungover making them a little bit more needy than normal.  What you have to take into consideration while at brunch is the fact that your server is probably just as hungover as you are and they have to work.  So while your sipping on your mimosa and asking for your third cup of coffee just ask yourself is it necessary?  Is it necessary to drink eight glasses of water in under fifteen minutes?  If so ask for a pitcher of water a head of time so your server does not have to keep going back and forth refilling your water.  Is it necessary to ask for your bloody mary extra spicy and then send it back because it is too spicy?  How about trying the bloody mary first before you make such demands.  Also, there really isn’t a huge difference when you ask for an egg white omelet and then load it with cheese, bacon, sausage or a regular omelet with all of that in it.  If you are making your omelet that unhealthy you might as well keep the yolk.

Special Orders

In today’s society it is very common to know someone with a dairy or gluten allergy.  These people when going to a restaurant have to be very careful with what they order because their bodies could have an allergic reaction. Chefs are more than willing to modify an order to make it edible for someone with an allergy.  However there are some people who do not have any allergies and walk into a restaurant thinking it’s their own kitchen and they can whip up anything they want for dinner.  The other day I had a girl order an avocado for dinner.  Is she serious?  If you want an avocado for dinner go to whole foods and slice it up yourself.  On the bright side an avocado isn’t technically modifying an entrée (even though it is ordering something we don’t even have on the menu) at least it wasn’t a burger on rye toast with avocado, sautéed onions and fried pickles.  First of all who comes up with these ideas?  Secondly go to a restaurant that serves this.  The cooks in the kitchen don’t have time to play around with your made up burger ideas.  They have items made on the menu for a certain reason.  Don’t get mad when your burger on toast actually comes out on a bun.

4. Sharing Food

You know who you are.  The groups of girls who order spinach dip and salads to split.  Servers dread your tables.  No one likes groups of girls that modify everything they eat and just share their food.  Your tabs are usually low and your attitudes are always superior.  Before splitting foods make sure to tell your server.  Some chefs will be nice enough to split the food before it gets to your table so there isn’t that awkward lingering bite left on the plate at the end of the meal.  Don’t be surprised if there is an upcharge for splitting food, it is an annoyance for the kitchen to do and they usually give you more food then an average dish.  

3. Bribes

The first person you see when you walk into a restaurant is the hostess.  The hostess is in charge of reservations, greeting people, and bringing you to your table.  When a host tells you she is on a wait and you bug her every five minutes about getting a table you will ultimately be put lower on her list or you will be sat at the little table crammed into the back corner of the restaurant.  If you are desperate to get a table immediately you can do it by giving the host some cash.  Bribes are usually not condemned by management so keep it on the DL, don’t go waving your money around the host stand because that will make the host feel awkward and you will feel like an idiot when they deny your money.  The more money you give a host the better chance you get to sit immediately at the best table in the restaurant.  If there are two hosts working remember that they will probably be splitting the money so a $10.00 bill will not cut it.  Remember that a host has to deal with other people just like you bothering them for a table.  So if waiting patiently like everyone else is an issue for you, slip the host some Benjamin’s and you will surely be seated in no time.

2. Well Done

I like eating meat; in fact I love eating meat.  The juice oozing out of a perfectly cooked medium rare steak mixing in with mashed potatoes is one of the best meals I can ask for.   When I go up to a table and ask what my guests would like for dinner and they reply “the sirloin steak” I feel an immediate carnivorous connection with this person.  Then I ask the most important question of the night, “How would you like it cooked?”  When the reply is “Well done.”  My stomach starts to turn, and usually if they order it well done they will also add, “ I mean no pink in the steak I like it really, really well done.” 

EWWWW!

Basically they are asking for a piece of dried leather that hurts your jaw to even chew.  In the old days people cooked food “well done” because proper sanitary measure weren’t a common practice. Cooking food well done ensured that there would be no bacteria in the meat.  Luckily for us in this day and age we have the proper sanitary measures like refrigeration and preparation to make sure that a steak does not need to be cooked down to the texture of a Slim Jim for it to be safe to eat.

With that being said, I asked my dear friend who will remain as “Chef Anonymous” why he gets aggravated when he reads a ticket order that says “well done.”

“From a nutritional point of view, even if steak is cooked the right way and it is prepared “well done” without drying the shit out of it, it loses most, if not all, of the protein that a steak has to offer to the human body.”-Chef Anonymous

Also I would like to point out that when you order a steak “well done” it takes approximately twenty minutes for it to be cooked. Chef Anonymous would also like to address this, “ If you are in a restaurant and you order a sixteen ounce steak, don’t expect it to come out in less than twenty minutes, unless you like the bitter and rancid taste of charred flesh.  Also, don’t give a hard time to your server for it taking so long.  After all you are the one who ordered it that way ASSHOLE!!!”

To conclude, stop tapping your feet impatiently, looking at your watch, and “reminding” your server that you have a game to catch at the Garden.  After all, you are the one who put yourself in this carnivorous mess. Not only are you asking to eat a piece of dried out leather but to chefs and servers throughout the industry, you have less brain power than that of the steer that you are eating.

Well done!

1.Pardon My French

One of the restaurants I have worked at is located by the TD Banknorth Garden.  Majority of the time our guests are people going to a Celtics or Bruins game.  My motto for these people is, "get em in, get em out, on to the next one."  I make my money from the amount of guests I serve during the short but hectic rush before a game at the Garden.  Occasionally we get private parties where we need to dress really fancy and act like we are serving at The Top Of The Hub.  My boss told me that we were having a private party of about fifty French doctors and that he wanted me to be one of the three servers on that day.  He really stressed the fact that we had to be very professional and proper because they were spending a lot of money to eat at this establishment.  

 From stereotyping French people I just assumed that they were going to be super snobby and pompous about everything.  Not like my usually guests in their Bruins jerseys slugging back Bud Lights and shots of Jameson.  

As the French doctors arrive and sit down I go over introduce myself and ask if anyone would like something to drink.

Well, oh my god.  They started speaking to me in French!!!  I mean it took me about thirty minutes just to get their order of drinks.  In fact our boss told us to just walk around with a bottle of red and white wine and see who points at it.

At one end of the table there was a group of men, probably late thirties early forties.  Every time I went over there one would wink, or say something in French and they all would start laughing and stare at me.  After a few more glasses of wine the only man at the table who could speak broken English started asking me questions like, "so are you student?"  "What do you want to do for a job?"  "Will you kiss my friend he thinks you are very pretty?"  WHAT,  HELL NO.  Was what I wanted to say but you learn something very quickly working in this industry and that is to bite your tongue.  I smiled and laughed at the man and said, "I don't think that would be very appropriate" and I walked back to the server station. 

Unfortunately I had to put a smile on my face and pretend it didn't happen so these French doctors would enjoy their experience and recommend this restaurant to other people.

At the end of their meal the same guy grabbed my arm and started asking me questions again except they were even weirder and made me even more uncomfortable than before. 

 "So what is your rent?"  Kind of a rude question but again I had to bite my tongue; I replied, "Well I pay $900 a month."  Then he said, "What time are you off from work?"  ...Again uh weird.  "I am not sure tonight it depends on how much cleaning we have to do."  To continue on with this awkward conversation in his broken English he said, "When you off work I meet you in my hotel and I pay you $900 to spend night with me."

I was in total shock.

Did this man just offer me money to sleep with him?  Do I look like a prostitute?

I could feel my face turn tomato red.  All the men just sat there and stared at me, oh my god he wasn’t kidding and everyone at the table knows exactly what he just asked me.  Not to mention he had a ring on his left hand.  

I didn't even respond to him I just walked away and hid in the server station until the group of French assholes left.  

Here’s the thing, yes I am a server and I get you drinks and food and try to make your time pleasant while you are sitting at the table I am taking care of.  However do not get this hospitality confused with me being submissive and your slave.  Just because I am getting you drinks doesn't mean I am going to go back to your stanky French hotel room and serve you grapes and champagne in a toga all night.

Let me fill you men in on something about women servers, I may seem like I am enjoying your comments about how pretty you think I am or how you want to hang out after my shift.  But as soon as I walk back to the server station I am making fun of your goofy ass with the other servers.  You are a joke and entertainment for me to get through this shitty shift that is filled with other guys just like you all night.  

Stop looking at women and treating them like they are just as valuable as the piece of meat they serve you.